Marriage, Downhill From the Start

A new study we can easily add to the "You spent money to figure THAT out" column, 'revealed' today that marriage is doomed from the get-go. Spouses will only see their partners in starker, and more negative terms as the years pile on.

Duh.

I watched "American Beauty" for the first since the first time I saw it about 6 years back. Talk about perfect timing for cynics. The movie, in case you haven't seen it, is essentially a slap in the face to suburbia, yuppies, the American family, and our 'sedation', as the movie calls it, that takes over us once we grow up. There is really no reason to be pissed off, depressed, frustrated, or sexually lethargic, but we are. At least, we BECOME that once we start being successful. Please add your own sarcasm to that last word.

I do not want to spoil anything, for it is a very good movie that may hit home more than you would like, but here is the point in relation to this groundbreaking finding: Commitments kill joy. Not all commitments, especially not the commitments that enrich us and give us responsabilities to help us grow, yada yada, but unnecessary commitments, or, to put it more bluntly, commitments society tells us we should commit to.

Take, for example, the commitment of marriage. What changes when you are in love with someone and want to be with them for the rest of your life? Do you keep doing what you have and, indeed, live the rest of your life with that person, relying on nothing more than your affection for each other and how you enrich each other's lives? Of course not, because that is not what society says you should do. You gotsta get married. That makes things legit. It also makes things forced. No longer are you with that person because you cannot live without them and cherish their flaws and attributes, no, now you are with them because you HAVE to be with them. You signed the papers that said "I am not with you, and you are now with me. We will be the same people as before, but now we are letting the rest of society know that I am with you and you are with me, even though they already knew this. Really, this paper is just a contract that if broken will punish us. Oh yeah, but I love YOU xoxoxoxo."

When we commit, strange things happen: cheating, lack of communication, frustration with each other, nitpicking, insufficiency, etc. I am not sure why that happens, but it may stem from feeling in an artificial place. A commitment pressured by society does not feel natural, even for us who created society and lived in it for quite some time. You would think this would be 'natural' to us by now. But I feel it isn't. Playing the part we are supposed to play may make us rebel. It is as if we are playing Patrick Dempsey sidekick in an 80's teen comedy, when we really wanted to be in Dempsey's shoes picking up the girl, or maybe the bad boy trying to take the girl away from Dempsey, or maybe even the principal who bugs Dempsey day-in day-out....ANYONE but the dorky sidekick!

Living by your own accord is slowly killed as you commit through societal pressures and contracts, and thereby the joy dies also. This is very different from kids, family, or friends. You choose (to a certain degree) to have kids and keep your friends. Your mother, father, siblings, and extended family come NATURALLY to you. They were not forced down your throat by anyone, but are as much of you as you are of them. The same goes with children, also.

There is a good amount of joy in that.

What about other non-natural, non-binding commitments, like a job? Same thing, but with some caveats. You need money to live, and usually a job can get that for you--usually meaning you make enough money to buy something from the company you work for. I am sure I will not be alone, however, when I say that a job also kills joy. No brainer there. It sort of commits you to it, seeing that you need money to live and buy stuff you 'need', so it kills you that you are working somewhere you don't want to be. This point is also bruisingly explored in "American Beauty."

What then of marriage and the hill you roll down on after you take the plunge? Well, a big, fat "I told you so" wont cure anything. I can only suggest that you choose wisely, because unlike a job, you cannot give a two-notice, or unlike a friend, you cannot stop returning their calls. They will be there, day and night, good and bad, happy or sad, and they will not leave quietly. And if they do, well, damn, I bet she was cheating on you.

lhp