Sign of the Apocalypse: Male Butt Enhancing Undies

Sigh.  Yet another sign that we are near the end: male butt enhancing underwear.  I do not think this is horrendous merely because it is for men.  I sigh for the female equivalent equally.  

I am enthusiastically anticipating brand-name rolled up socks for crotchial enhancement, for which at that point I will pray a rosary every day.

lhp

The Best (Short) Piece of Fiction You Will Read This Week

The plot: A lonely High School AP English teacher is proposed to by one of his students.

It is worth your 20 minutes: Read it.

Sidenote: This was written by a guy who was himself a HS English teacher. After its publication, he was given a tw0-book deal, became a full-time writer, and this piece, The Smoker, was bought out to make into a movie, which will come out next year with Natalie Portman as the bold student.

It is all about quality, not quantity, now aint it?

lhp

Dixie Chicks/Bluegrass=Good Running Music

I found out today that listening to upbeat Dixie Chicks tracks, or upbeat bluegrass of most kind, is awesome running music.

I figure it has to do with the fact that it makes you feel like you are in that Forrest Gump scene where he is running away from the pickup truck.  You know, it gives you that running in the middle of the field feeling.

Try it:

Dixie Chicks-Lubbock or Leave It

Lonesome Highway-Rain Please Go Away

Earl Scruggs & The Chieftains-Sally Goodin'

Will my manliness fall a few points for praising the Dixie Chicks? So be it.

lhp

Baracky: The Movie

Love this:

lhp

Hillary Clinton: In her own words

This is simply irrefutable.  Please spread this around.




lhp

American Politics 101 in 2008

Anyone following the primaries in both parties for at least a month can call themselves a political analyst.  If you have followed it the whole way through, you have just earned a masters in American politics.

The long, hard-fought slough in both parties, especially the still ongoing one on the Democratic side, has fleshed out in a few months what would take a year's course to cover.  Blue-states, red-states, proportional representation, delegates, political culture and history in each state, convention-speak, superdelegates, party rules, race in politics, public relations or 'spin', campaign finance, fundraising, etc etc.

McCain has shown us the importance of strategic campaigning; Guiliani showed us what a failed political strategy can do, even if you were perceived as the front-runner by default; Huckabee showed us the power of playing up your strengths; Edwards showed us populism is on the decline, and mostly shunned, in american politics; Obama is showing us the power of the 'outsider' and political momentum; Clinton is showing us what political connections can do and the risk with having a long political history. Oh yeah, Kucinich showed us you can't win if you are a vegetarian and your wife has her tongue pierced.

If anything will come out of this election, it will be a much more educated populace.  People will now have at least an idea of what is meant by 'pledged delegates' and 'party rules'.  They will be able to discuss momentum as anyone on CNN could.  In all, they will have received an honorary degree in Political Science.  And yes, it IS a science.

lhp

3DP: Gandhi Did It: Day 10

Gandhi was sure a big shot.

He went on doing what I am doing for over a month. That is just wrong. I mean, he is making me look like a jackass over here.

A few words on what I have observed thus far:
-Eating only what I have eaten makes you feel very "springy". You feel very light and that you can jump from one wall to the next. Unfortunately, you also feel like you want to eat the person next to you and that you would except for the fact that you are so so weak.

-Fruit and nuts make you smaller. My size, in just 10 days, has dropped. My body feels about 5 lbs lighter. Buuuut, it is not. I am actually about a pound over what I weighed before the 3dp started. Why? I am losing muscle and mass, but retaining fat. I am also losing water, so stubborn fat is disappearing. Because fruits have fructose (sugar stuff) in them, that raises your insulin level. This raise in insulin tells your body "Woa, woa there, you are in crisis here, body, so lock up the fat you got to get ready for winter". So it does. A raise in insulin level tells your body to retain fat. Muscle deteriorates basically because I am not getting a lot of protein in, or a lot of carbs in. Mass and muscle feed off both.

-You will be regular in no time doing this. I don't think I need to draw you a diagram, here.

lhp

The Life Aquatic: Too Much Wes In Wes Anderson

I love The Royal Tenenbaums. I love The Darjeeling Limited. I love Bottle Rocket, and of course, really like Rushmore. So when I came up with the chance to complete my Wes Anderson viewing experience, and watch the movie many of my friends just LOVE, I had high expectations.

Wes Anderson is like the Coen Brothers. You come to expect something from him. When his work is not up the Wes standard, you know it, he knows it, and everyone else will probably not get the difference. Take The Ladykillers, for example. It had mixed reviews amongst critics, calling it a stepback for the Coens. But because it was so un-Coen, because it lacked so much of their vivid storytelling abilities, their naturally quirky characters you have met time and again in your life, and because Tom Hanks was trying to replicate George Clooney in O, Brother, Where Art Thou?, the movie was decently received by the audiences. To most people, this movie was just like most of the movies they are used to: decent. It had decently funny dialogue, decently crafter characters, and decent plot twists. You could see it coming, and you could see the characters as just characters. A few quirks sprinkled in to make the movie 'different', but not too much to pigeonhole it as unique. That is so not Coen.

Now, The Life Aquatic. Wes Anderson is still not a profitable filmmaker (his movies so far have made as much as they have cost). People work with him and invest in his projects because they see him as something they want to be a part of, sort of like being part of the early punk rock wave in the late 70's, or buying Monet for the sake of having a Monet to show to friends. He uses many of the same actors in his films (Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, Anjelica Houston, "Pagoda", Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, etc.). He loves music and knows it well enough to enhance his movies by pairing them beautifully. The agonies and tragic comedies in families are his favorite subjects to explore. Oh, and his characters all smoke, pretty much.

He has crafter a world for himself and for his fans. I am one of them. I believe he is an amazing auteur director, and he style is immediately recognizable. However, then came The Life Aquatic. This movie is stamped all over with a 'Wes' rubber stamp. So much so that you can't get to see an actual movie. It is a movie that is so caught up in being the "It" thing, that it fails to engage audiences, elicit genuine laughs, or make us care about any of the characters. Wes turns himself to 11 in this movie, and for those who have watched his work, it feels very self-contrived.
I watched the featurette that came with the dvd, "Starz on the set". In it, Wes talks about how he has thought about this film for about 8 years. Ever since Rushmore, he says, was he pitching this idea to Murray. It definitely shows. The movie looks like it went through at least 4 runs of making it quirky and odd, just for the hell of it. Meanwhile, the genuine performance by Murray, Houston, and William Dafoe, are overshadowed, because end up just not caring about it. Owen Wilson and Cate Blanchett are not at the top of their game in this movie. It might have to do with the fact that they both feel out of place, even Wilson, a Wes-veteran. Wilson is pegged into a character that is not compelling and is pretty boring to even listen to, while Blanchett is trying to push out the one-dimensional reporter she was given to play. Even the music is felt forced. What would make even the music different? Hmm...let's have David Bowie songs played in Portuguese! That makes sense.

Why do more people love this, rather than the other four, far superior Wes productions? Many of them have never even heard of the other four, except for Rushmore. I believe it is because of the same reason studio executives like to invest in their own Monet, Wes Anderson. Audiences know this movie is different, but they don't see just how unnaturally different it is. They might say they like it, and make themselves believe it, because they want to reassure everyone that they too appreciate a Monet. The other four might be less immediate in making you feel you are watching something truly special, but they should be given a chance.

I am happy to know that Wes went back to better form with Darjeeling Limited after this stepback. It is also refreshing to see that the Coen Brothers made No Country For Old Men after their own stepback. Apparently, for these three geniuses, a slump lasts only as long as they let it. After they give themselves a swift kick in the crotch, they regain their composure. But please, next time, warns us you will kick us in the crotch also.

lhp

30 Day Project: Gandhi Did It.

So, the new 3DP is here. But before I delve into what this one will be about exactly, a few lessons learned from the previous.

I noticed that as soon as this became a 'commitment', the joy that came with it dropped exponentially. I am not sure if it is because it was forced, or maybe because it ended up taking a toll on me, with the fever and the cramped schedule. The mere fact that this became something I had to do, in a contract with myself, the joy that came with writing and swimming that I had felt before was replaced with lack of will.

On a positive note, I was able to do what I thought I couldn't physically and mentally. I could swim for a good amount of time, and felt only slightly tired, and I wrote on a whim more than I could 4 years ago with such little preparation. My self-assumed limitations were tested, and beaten.

Now, on to the new 3DP: Gandhi did it!

For the whole month of April, I will embark on the experiment Gandhi tried, and almost died trying: A fruitarian diet. For more than a month, Gandhi and some of his followers took upon a strict diet that made them all bed-ridden. Gandhi had to break his vow to never drink cow's milk after a doctor told him he had to, or he would die. He eventually drank goat's milk, but he knew, from what he wrote in his autobiography, that the vow had been broken.

Gandhi was a vegetarian most of his life. But he embarked on this dietary experiment as a part of his many experiments with his body when it came to food. He used to say that what we eat makes us into what we are. He noted that this diet made his more peaceful, removed almost all sexual desire, and clarified his mind like never before.

So, that I will do.

I can only eat:
-Fruits
-Nuts
-Water

And to avoid the bed-ridden outcome Gandhi had, I will add:

-Dairy

Ok. Since I actually want to finish this, I will add two more things that will make it livable for me, thereby giving me a better chance of making it through the 30 days:

-Coffee
-Alcohol.

I know these go against the purity of the diet, but they will be used sparingly, almost like rewards.

I did this Monday, Tuesday, and am still on it today. So far, three days down.

As far as it has gone, I haven't felt anything groundbreaking, other than I feel very hydrated from the 20 gallons of water I drink a day. I tend to make a swishing sound when I walk.

lhp

Debt, Presidents, Parties, and Falsities

'nuff said.

lhp

Tapes N' Tapes: Insistor

I dig. It nice.

Oh yeah, the 3DP is still going...quite swimmingly.  I make pun! Sexytime in your vageen.

lhp

3DP: Write Swimmingly: Day 10

OK, so I am sort of better now.  The nagging cough that was my bed fellow for almost a week, and the deathly fever that made me its bitch, are about gone.  So now back to the habit-making/breaking of this 3DP.

Starting tomorrow, back to the endeavor.  Since I have slacked, I will have to try to catch up.  Nothing too crazy, as I still want to make this 3DP legit.  Instead of 30 minutes of swimming, it will be 35.  Instead 1,000 words a day, it will be 1,100.  This should make up for some of the missed time, although not all, I know.

Give me a break, alright.  I was dead, dying and done less than a week ago.  Even Jesus took 3 days to come back from the dead.  Put it into perspective. (I might have been a little bit sacrilegious just now).

lhp

3DP: Write Swimmingly: Day 6

So I tempted the gods.  I said to them, "Hey gods.  I shake my finger at you...my index finger, for I am no. 1!"  I did not listen to them when they gave me a bit of a cough, a little itchiness in the throat.  No, I did not.  After my body was telling me chiiiiill on Day 3, after having finished my second straight day of doing my challenge justice, I decided to forget it.  So on to the pool I went.  Out I came.  Write, I did.  Sleep then wake, then work next day.

'Course fever I get.  It only surfaced fully on day 5.  Chills, sweats, hours and hours of daytime sleeping, about 4 movies, and many-a-pills and OJ-later, I faired much better.  I must give partial credit to my commendable DVD collection for helping out my immune system (thank you much Sideways and Anchorman...and you too, High Fidelity, you're a champ).

Now what?  Well, I am still halfway through death, but I am taking steps back rather than forth.  What is the lesson to be learned?  Just because you tell yourself illness is all in your head does not mean you convinced the rest of your body of that, too.  Unless you are one of those tibetan buddhists.  They are Superman-like.

lhp

3DP: Write Swimmingly: Day 1

The first day is gone, and so far so good. Yes, that is me up top, if you change my race, build, skill, and desire/or not to wear goggles and the swimmer's do-rag.

This first day served as a test of skill. I found out I CAN swim for 30 minutes straight, albeit with continually deteriorating form and increasingly girly whimpers. I also found out I can write 1,000 words on a whim, and even made a story out of it (it pretty much is a story about a drunk older lady who drinks too much wine, plays Credence Clearwater Revival really loud, tries to makeout with pizza delivery boy, and passes out only to wake up and ask for french toast from her startled grandsons). Yeah, it was a pretty moralistic story.

As of today, no six-pack yet. I also don't have that pretty bleached hair surfers sport. And I am also not great enough of a writer to find a better way of starting a sentence than with the forbidden "And." And that is all.

lhp

3DP: The 30-Day Project

After reading a very interesting article in Esquire, I have decided to embark on a journey. Well, many short journeys.

The article chronicles the times of a guy who decides to become a committed smoker for 30 days. By his second day, he smokes a full pack.

What a great idea! I will embark on a set of 30-day Projects, experiments if you will, as a means to expand my boundaries, tolerances, experiences, and reality. I will take up any suggestions that meet the following criteria:

-It can be seen as a way to improve myself, or at least open me to experiences that do not completely destroy my lifestyle (i.e. NO smoke weed for 30 days, get drunk for 30 days straight, beat myself up for 30 days straight)

-They can be done for a period of 30 days straight (i.e. NO getting drunk 30 days in a row, not sleeping for 30 days, etc)

-I am able to chronicle my experience on a consistent basis (i.e. NO living in a hospital for 30 days)

These examples seem far-fetched, but so far these are some options I am planning on acting on:

-Living off only vegetables, fruits, nuts, and water for 30 days

-Lifting weights for 2 hours a day everyday for 30 days/running 2 miles everyday for 30 days

-Smoking at least a cigarette for 30 days straight

-Read one book a day for 30 days

-Write 1000 words a day for 30 days

-Drink 2 drinks a day for 30 days

-Go without a car for 30 days

-Do not pick up a call for 30 days

-Go to a bar/club for 30 days straight

Etc etc

More than one 3DP can go on simultaneously.

WHY? Because I strongly believe limitations should be taken lightly. When you die, you remember what you didn't do, but you fondly remember what you did do.

I have heard that when you are old you finally have the time and pace to remember what you did, didn't do, and wish you did better. These memories fill up your time. I want my memories to be powerful and broad enough to entertain a cantakerous, wily, restless old man.

First 3DP:

Become a writing swimmer in 30 Days

Goal:

To write at least 1,000 words a day, on any topic, fiction or non-fiction, AND to swim 30 minutes a day for the rest of March. By the end of March, I hope to get my creative juices flowing, form a habit of writing constantly, and get re-acquainted with a taxing sport that I let go when I was younger. A published novel and six-pack abs wouldn't be bad either, y'know.

It will be hard to end up writing around 22,000 words by the end of the month, and swim for 10 hours, but it isn't supposed to be easy. It is also not supposed to be beneficial to me, but for this month, lets make it health-conscious.

Likelihood of me dying: 33%, by drowning or led poisoning.
Likelihood of me fully completing this 3DP: 75%. Writer's block, ADD, and ashy, chlorined skin, might turn me off.
Likelihood of me earning wicked stories out of this: 52%. Out of my own imagination, probably. Yes, 52% is not what some would call a vote of confidence, but I am honest. Now bugger off.

I will chronicle as much as I can and see where that goes.

Suggestions for future months?

lhp

ps No real names will be posted. Don't want to incriminate the many.

Vegas. Why Do You Seduce Me So?

It is settled.  I wasted four years getting a college degree.  Sigh.

lhp

Daft Punk Charleston

'nuff said

lhp

Wow

Wow.

lhp

Never Count A Clinton Out

I do not know her exact measurements, but Senator Clinton looks like a short woman. One of my father's favorite sayings is that 'there is no shortie that aint a mean, fighting son-of-a-bitch.' Senator Clinton is that shortie.

Many are counting Hillary out. They say her last statement at the Texas debate was a swan song, a graceful farewell. Bill Clinton has gone as far as telling crowds Hillary must win Ohio and Texas, otherwise she will lose. LOSE, MUST WIN, OVER, those are all very powerful, and rarely used words in American politics. Confidence, even arrogance, is the attitude politicians adopt like Jolie a Vietnamese baby. In politics, the saying goes, you need a big head and broad shoulders.

This applies to all candidates this year. Obama borders on cockiness, which many, including myself, find refreshing and invigorating. But what about Clinton? A Clinton does not put forget a Clinton legacy. They are one of the most powerful families in American history. Hillary is not far off in terms of delegates, support, or even fundraising. Sure, polls show her trailing nationally, in hypothetical match-ups against McCain, and her two 'givens', Texas and Ohio, are now a dead-heat and a slimming edge in the polls, respectively. But remember, she is still a Clinton. She is HILLARY Clinton. An icon, both famous and infamous, and a political figure that often shadows two presidents, one past and one current.

So why this change in mood, no pun intended. One word: Smarts. Oh, and another word: Manipulation. She is once again carving out a pity hole and waving a pink flag, neither conceding nor foaming at the mouth. She is simply reminding us she is human, and an emotional, poor little human, at that. Yes, she is trying to make us feel sorry for her. This would be called 'ridiculous' anytime, except for the victorious precedent it has. It worked after Iowa, it helped her before Super Tuesday, and now, in a fight that looks like one she never prepared for, she is going back to it again.

Crying before New Hampshire helped her win the state by rallying the "You GO Girl" vote. Getting weapy before Super Tuesday gave her big state wins. Now this time, it is a double whammy. Bill issues the ultimatums, while she plays the martyr. St. Hillary, patron saint to whiners and the capricious.

Will it work? So far, it does not show that it has. The polls still show a dead heat in Texas, and Ohio is now a single digit difference state. After Obama's 11 straight wins, I presume his momentum might have given him a slim lead in both states. Maybe this two-pronged act has slowed down the hemorrhage. Maybe this strategy all along has slowed down the hemorrhage.

Watching Hillary go against Obama in the last debate before the March 4th primaries, fending off her fate and Tim Russert, reminds me of a battered, veteran heavyweight trying to slow down the wily, cocky upstart. Sonny Liston v. Cassius Clay. She knows she is in her last few rounds. She is not focusing on skill, but on throwing upper cuts and hugging-down Obama, trying to go for the knockout, or at least tire him out. Will she land one in the end and upset the audience now chanting 'Obama! Obama!'. Around this time next week, I will be talking about a knockout or a split decision.

Michael Buffer...will you do the honors.

lhp

Mexican Music. True. True

Pablo Francisco.

lhp